i got 99 problems but a bitch aint one...

I think it's to safe to say that my consistency on this blog is just horrible. I really wish i would take the time to write more but my life these days is just RIDONK. I am a Senior 1 nursing student this semester and it just might put me in an early grave. I never knew nursing school would be this semester...never. The plan is to graduate December 10, 2011. I am praying that this will work out because quite honestly i dont thinfk i can handle failure. Well, i know i cant handle failure. hahah

I'm missing out on time with all my lovely hobbies. i for one can not wait to play with my this baby. It's been in its box since Christmas and I'm really starting to get sad about it. I will be going home next Thursday and I have a date with this Holga in Dallas Tx. SCORE. :)

In the meantime, I have my first ER Rotation Friday. O Dear. I'm really scared-not even going to lie. Well that's really all i got right now. :) PEACE.

October is Lovely

This is one of my favorite times the year. Jeans +Tshirt + Light weight hoodie= perfection.
The weather could not be any better. The sun is shining and theres a cool breeze- it almost makes living in this town pleasant...almost. ha ha

I'm STILL missing home but what else is new. I am half way thru this semester, thank Goodness.

Mumford & Sons Concert is November 4th...to say i am excited would be an understatement

These men are so so talented and I'm a weee bit OBSESSED with them. Cant wait to see them with Ginny Bug and Skankarilla :) It will be epic.

Another reason I love October= these suckers

They are interfering with my plan to eat healthy though. I had two this week...TWO! I dont even want to know the amount of calories in them and yet I kinda do....o hell, I'm going to look it up real quick...310 whooping calories...AWESOME..... They were so worth it!!

Keeping with the pumpkin theme i'm super stoked to make these awesome cookies next week for our nursing fundraiser. I hope they are as tasty as they look!!!! I LOVE FALL!!


Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Cookies
Ingredients
1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
3/4 brown sugar
3/4 granulated sugar
1 cup canned pumpkin
1 egg, beaten
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp ground cloves
pinch freshly ground nutmeg
pinch mace
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

Method
1. Preheat oven to 350˚F.

2. In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar. Add pumpkin and beat well. Then add eggs and beat well. Finally add vanilla and beat well.

3. Mix together dry ingredients in a separate bowl. Add dry ingredients to pumpkin mixture, about 1/3 at a time and mix well after each addition. Fold in the chocolate chips with a spoon or spatula.

4. Spoon batter onto cookie sheets that have been sprayed with non-stick cooking spray or lightly buttered. Bake for 15 minutes or until lightly golden brown. Let sit for one minute after removing from oven. Then cool on wire racks.

Writer's Block

I used to be so sure of myself. So sure of the people in my life. So sure of what I wanted. I'm not sure what happened to that girl.

What I do know. I miss her.

One of the Most Intelligent Things I've Ever Read

Daisaku Ikeda : whoever you are, you are pretty much brilliant! I truly believe every word.

Ideal love is fostered only between two sincere, mature and independent people. It is the inner struggle to polish these attributes that is the key. Real love is not two people clinging to each other; it can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality. True love should be transformative, a process that amplifies our capacity to cherish not just one person but all people. It can make us stronger, lift us higher and deepen us as individuals. Yet, in the end, we can only partner with those who somehow "fit" us. The same is true of friendship. Only to the extent that one polishes oneself now can one hope to develop wonderful bonds of the heart in the future. We can lose ourselves in romantic attachment, but the truth is, the euphoria is unlikely to last for long. Indeed, the likelihood of undergoing suffering and sadness only grows over time. As long as we remain unable to redress our own weaknesses, we will be miserable no matter where or to whom we may take flight. We can never become truly happy unless we ourselves undergo a personal transformation. Daily life can seem all too drab and unexciting. Living itself can sometimes seem a strain, and few of us realistically expect what joy we feel to last forever. But when we fall in love, life seems filled with drama and excitement. We feel like the leading character in a novel. But, if you get lost in love just because you are bored, and consequently veer from the path you should be following, then love is nothing more than escapism. What you are doing is retreating into a dream world, believing that what is only an illusion is actually real.

Life is fleeting.

Today I was reminded like sometimes we all need reminding, that life is short and can be taken away from us at any moment. I sometimes get caught up in all the crap of this life and I lose sight of all the things and people that make this world a great place. I hate that I do that. I truly do. I could say I will try to do better but the truth is I think it is in my nature to recognize the pain and the shortcomings of life. I mean going into nursing, its what you see on a daily basis. And your heart goes out to anyone who hurts or is in pain.

But at the end of the day, I know things fall apart so that they can come together again. I am not religious. I do not get organized religion nor do i want to try BUT i have my faith and my beliefs and I thank God (not as often as I should) for all the blessings in my life. For the people in my life that have impacted me and taught me things only THEY could teach me. I love every single one of  you.

I love my family. I love my dog. I love my friends. I love my LIFE.

Getting My Fitness On

Started my official 20 pound slim down venture today. Got some blood work bacck-my stupid hormone and estrogen levels have skyrocketed and caused me to gain 15 pounds :( Luckily, I got prescribed some medicine that suppossedly causes the pounds to fly off  with proper diet and exercise. Went to the gym today and ate healthy. The one thing I'm going to miss the most is my daily one or two Dr Peppers. Cant believe I went  2 years without one. Nursing school got me hooked on those babies, as well as coffee. blah. I will just have to suck it up and cut my losses.

That whole moderation key tip is bullshit. If I cant self indulge alll the way I cant have it or I WILL drink it/eat it!

Wow...just realizing what a lame post this is.

I'm sleepy. Calling it a night.

Liberated.

"OUR DEEPEST FEAR IS NOT THAT WE ARE INADEQUATE. OUR DEEPEST FEAR IS THAT WE ARE POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE. IT IS OUR LIGHT, NOT OUR DARKNESS, THAT MOST FRIGHTENS US. WE ASK OURSELVES, WHO AM I TO BE BRILLIANT, GORGEOUS, TALENTED, AND FABULOUS? ACTUALLY, WHO ARE YOU NOT TO BE? YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD. YOUR PLAYING SMALL DOESN'T SERVE THE WORLD. THERE'S NOTHING ENLIGHTENED ABOUT SHRINKING SO THAT OTHER PEOPLE WON'T FEEL INSECURE AROUND YOU. WE ARE ALL MEANT TO SHINE, AS CHILDREN DO. WE ARE BORN TO MAKE MANIFEST THE GLORY OF GOD THAT IS WITHIN US. IT'S NOT JUST IN SOME OF US, IT'S IN EVERYONE. AND AS WE LET OUR OWN LIGHT SHINE, WE UNCONSCIOUSLY GIVE OTHER PEOPLE PERMISSION TO DO THE SAME. AS WE ARE LIBERATED FROM OUR OWN FEAR, OUR PRESENCE AUTOMATICALLY LIBERATES OTHERS."

-MARIANNE WILLIAMSON

Just a Theory.

I've never liked a song just because it has a good beat. Well maybe once or twice. Those Spice Girls and Hanson were the shit at one time. Mmmm Bop and Wannabe. Psh who could forget those kids!?!? I could deny it but I wont. I totally had the cds.

But 99% of the time i hear a song I like, its because the lyrics grab me in and I wont settle until I find the song, download it, look up the lyrics and analyze the hell out of it. Turns out I do this in all aspects of life. There really are two type of people in the world. a) People that try to understand the things that happen and make reason of them. b)And people that just accept what has happened, dust their hands off and move on.

Uggggghhh I so wish i was option B girl.

I've got this theory, there are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyrics people tend to be analytical. You know, all about the meaning of the song. They're the ones you see with the CD insert out like 5 minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpriting the hell out of everything. Then theres the music people Who could care less for the lyrics as long as its just got like a good beat and you could dance to it. I dont know, somtimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since Im not, let me just say this. Sometimes things find you when you need them to find you, I believe that. And for me its usually song lyrics

I could write an entire blog JUST on song lyrics and what they mean personally. hmmm. tempting.....


I just realized this blog has absolutley no rhyme or reason. There is no common thread, link or point. So sue me.  I really dont plan on having a plan. So if by some off chance you ARE actually reading this, I apologize for the "all over the place" vibe. I'm just trying to figure everything out.

the vicious cycle

I'm so tired of disappointment. It's crazy how the majority of the people I loved and cared about in the past year have just walked away from me, without so much as a look back. I say loved and cared in past tense, but obviously I love and care about THEM still or it wouldnt bother me a year later and I wouldnt be typing about them. It wasnt just a drifting a part- type parting. No- there were no words. No explanations. But there were Hurt feelings. Betrayal. Loss. Secrets. Lies. No Closure. All these things are like a big cloud that hang over my head everyday. i've done e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. in my power to fix what has been lost but like i said, they all just kept walking away. All of them. Some days the sun is out and things are fine. I can deal with it in that instant. But it never fails- the cloud hangs over me, stalks me and is never too far away. I see these people and they look happy and perfectly content with my absence from their life. What does that say about me? That I am that easy to walk away from? That I was that insignificant to their lives? 22, 6, 3 years- that's a long time to just be DONE one day. Maybe that's just me........

I've never believed in being bitter. E.V.E.R. But i dont do well with betrayal or lack of loyalty. And not when it's family. Or when it's people who I believed would never treat me this way. I dont know how these people could turn on literally overnight but that is what has happened. And to this day, over ONE year later, because of 6 people and their actions, I am heartbroken.

It's like the world fell off its axis and a big chunk of myself went missing by losing these people.

I just wish I could stop caring. Stop analyzing everything all the time. Just move on and not look back. But I guess I'm not wired that way. I cant just forget people.

I wish I could shake these people and ask them WHY? What happened? But that would involve them being a presence in my life. That would involve them to engage in conversation with me. That would involve them to take my phone calls or respond to my emails. That would involve them to give a shit.


Again, I just wish I could magically NOT care. But if I didnt care, I wouldnt be ME! And so, the vicious cycle continues.......