the vicious cycle

I'm so tired of disappointment. It's crazy how the majority of the people I loved and cared about in the past year have just walked away from me, without so much as a look back. I say loved and cared in past tense, but obviously I love and care about THEM still or it wouldnt bother me a year later and I wouldnt be typing about them. It wasnt just a drifting a part- type parting. No- there were no words. No explanations. But there were Hurt feelings. Betrayal. Loss. Secrets. Lies. No Closure. All these things are like a big cloud that hang over my head everyday. i've done e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. in my power to fix what has been lost but like i said, they all just kept walking away. All of them. Some days the sun is out and things are fine. I can deal with it in that instant. But it never fails- the cloud hangs over me, stalks me and is never too far away. I see these people and they look happy and perfectly content with my absence from their life. What does that say about me? That I am that easy to walk away from? That I was that insignificant to their lives? 22, 6, 3 years- that's a long time to just be DONE one day. Maybe that's just me........

I've never believed in being bitter. E.V.E.R. But i dont do well with betrayal or lack of loyalty. And not when it's family. Or when it's people who I believed would never treat me this way. I dont know how these people could turn on literally overnight but that is what has happened. And to this day, over ONE year later, because of 6 people and their actions, I am heartbroken.

It's like the world fell off its axis and a big chunk of myself went missing by losing these people.

I just wish I could stop caring. Stop analyzing everything all the time. Just move on and not look back. But I guess I'm not wired that way. I cant just forget people.

I wish I could shake these people and ask them WHY? What happened? But that would involve them being a presence in my life. That would involve them to engage in conversation with me. That would involve them to take my phone calls or respond to my emails. That would involve them to give a shit.


Again, I just wish I could magically NOT care. But if I didnt care, I wouldnt be ME! And so, the vicious cycle continues.......